hmmmmmm ;***

i've still got a couple more posts of the story left...

oo enshallah i will finish it before kuwait...

bas they're all miserable posts...

oo i'm happy today i don't wanna write a post and cry...

so bagoolikom why i'm happy...

and what i'm planning for the next few days before kuwait...

oo ba3dain abi as2alkom what u want after this story...

nsawi voting maybe???

;***

okaaaaaaaaaay...

so today kan 3ndi presentation...

i presented a medical case to a room full of consultants...

i was literally shaking...

like consultants!!!

mostashareeeeeeeeen jera7a...

wana tawni medical students...

they shredded me with questions...

bas el7amdellah i survived...

i did my background reading...

i revised 3adel...

and they were impressed...

i got an 18 out of 20...

which is unheard of in the surgical world...

the highest they ever give is 15...

so i'm exciiiiiiiiiiiiiiited...

and so proud...

el7amdellah...

alf el7amdellaaaaaaaaah...

;********

so after my presentation i went and had lunch with my peeps...

last time i see them all before xmas...

we had secret santa...

and i got the prettiest necklace...

from a guuuuuuuuy...

bas we're only friends...

he's my buddy...

and he was my secret santa...

i got him this video game cuz he's wanted it for ages...

and it just came out yesterday...

special delivery and he was excited...

so i made someone happy today...

;***********

+ i got told that this patient i've known for the past 3 years is finally cancer free!!!

how amazing is thaaaaaaaaat...

i saw her in the corridor and she told me and we hugged and burst unto tears...

i'm so happy that i get the chance to help people...

easing pain is a gift...

and i'm so glad i can help people...

it's so rewarding...

;*******

so after that picked up my bros...

came home...

had pizza...

dominos!!!

major workout session tomorrow + spinning akeeeeeeeeeed...

and worked on my 10,000 word essay for 6 hours straight...

finally done...

will go print it out tomorrow and hand it it...

and thats meeeeeeeee...

done for xmas...

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

;*********

next couple of days will be spent cleaning my home...

shopping...

gyming...

chilling...

posting the end of my story...

and just not doing anything...

cuz i've not had a proper break since last xmas...

so i really deserve this xmas holiday...

flight monday heathrow then kuwait...

get there tuesday morning...

shalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaih from wednesday until whenever...

chill chill chilllllllllllllllllll...

then back here 4th january for my next block...

;************

ok now for the serious issue...

i'm nearly done with my story...

i predict 5 posts maybe...

ba7awil awa9el 60 posts...

oo ra7 ykoon fee epilogue...

what do u guys want me to do next???

do u want something from my imagination???

do u want me to make something up???

do u wanna know about now???

bas my story now is ongoing...

so no ending...

and i sorta don't wanna jinx it...

+ i have to ask my dude if he agrees...

its his life too u know...

wela taboon some imaginary story...

i have a wild imagination...

oo i know many love stories...

everyone tells me everything...

seriously i'm like a vault...

stuff goes in...

nothing ever comes out...

so voooooooooooting starts...

what do u guys want 7awoor to write about next???

;********

a7ebkom waaaaaaaaaaayed...

all u guys know that right???

u must doooooooooo!!!

if u don't then now u do cuz i just said...

i want to thank all the people that comment...

wallah a7ebkom...

especially the silent readers that comment...

it means alot to me u guyz...

i know it's a sad story bas most of u carry on reading...

i appreciate that alooooooot...

thanx so much for your support...

i wouldn't have done this without u...

i love uuuuuuuuuuuuu...

;*********

so daily posts from tomorrow...

maybe even 2 a day...

since i'm free...

and i get bored easily...

nighty night for now...

7awoooooooooooooooora na3sana...

love u ya a7la 7ilweeeeeeeen...

mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

;***************

my first (53) ;***

12 July 2005

4 years, 5 months, 5 days since that day...

oo hathi a5rat-ha ma3ak...

ramait 7obi warak...

galben 3a6ak elwefa...

majnooooooooon lo ma nesak...

7alal feek el3athab...

thoog mor el'3eyab...

madam 7obik saraab...

shelfayda mn hawak...

ma kent a9adeg troo7...

hanat 3alaik eljeroo7...

a6lebk ballah teroo7...

kefak tejra7 kefaaaaaaaaak...

galben 3a6ak elwefa...

majnoooooooooooooooooooon...

lo ma nesaaaaaaaaaak...

(a5rat-ha ma3ak ... 3bdelmajeed 3bdallah)

That day 7amadi walked out of that door...

He walked out of my life...

Bas he stayed in my heart...

Sometimes I wish to god that he would leave my heart as well...

Bas he will never leave my heart...

Never...

Because a person you allow in that deep...

A person that knows you as well as 7amadi knew me...

A person that knew me inside out...

A person that I shared my innermost deepest secrets...

A person that shared my hopes and dreams...

A person that loved me despite all my faults...

A person that made me feel things I haven't felt before...

That person will never leave my heart...

That person will never be forgotten...

Mahma 7awalt...

Mahma athani...

Mahma ta3abni...

Mahma 3athabni...

7amadi was my first...

7amadi was the love of my life...

7amad was in my heart...

And he is still right here...

In his place...

Bbeita...

Da5el 9adri...

7amad 7obi...

That day he left. I was crying so badly. Lama gal kelmat 5entich, I looked up at him. He couldn't look at me. He couldn't face me. He said those words oo bser3a left. I stopped crying immediately and looked at the door mokan eli 6ela3. Everything was in slow motion. He was leaving in slow motion. The door slammed shut in slow motion. It was a surreal experience. Madri shlon aw9elflikom how it was. Surreal is the best I can come up with.

I looked up at my aunt in confusion. I was so confused. I couldn't understand. Why would he cheat? I don't understand? I couldn't comprehend the idea that 7amadi would cheat on me. Ehwa '3ela6 marra oo he promised it wouldn't happen. 7elaf oo rasi el'3ali. 7elaf oo dafnat oma. Shlon ma yawfi bwa3da? I can't understand this. I don't get it.

He promised...

Wa3adni...

Ana lama aw3eda shay, I never do anything else but what we say and agree...

7alafli...

geli wesh nawi 3alaih...

7alaft ma tensa oo nsait...

7alaft ma tegsa oo gsait...

oo ma tabi as2alk leih???

3a6aitik akthar mn ktheer...

oo a9ba7t el2awal we2a5eer...

wahdaitik elgalb elkebeer...

ma tabi as2alk leih???

ya m3amelni b'3eroor...

wana 3ala '6elmik 9aboor...

oo ma 7a9al meni ge9oor...

oo ma tabi as2alk leeeeeeeeeeeih???

ma abali'3 lo agool...

wallah madri weish agool...

wenta sakit ma tegool...

oo ma tabi as2alk leeeeeeeeeeeih???

(wesh nawi ... 3bdelmajeed 3bdallah)

"5alti leish?"

I looked up at her for answers...

She had no idea why either...

She just put her arms up in an "I have no idea" gesture and shrugged...

She didn't know what to say...

She was shell-shocked...

As was I...

It was too much information all in one go...

They were too many emotions for me to handle in one go...

Then it hit me...

Like a lightbulb just switching on...

No actually...

It hit me like a big bright yellow school bus...

Oooooooh myyyyyyyy gooooooooooooooooooooood!!!

7amad 5anni!!!!!!!!!!!

7amad ba3da y5ooni!!!!!!!!!

Ya3ni throughout that past year, lama ana met3athba oo 7alti 7ala, eli 7ata elakel 3alay bel7asra 7amad had someone else? 7amad the love of my life was with another girl? 7amad eli yom ma ra7 3an bali, la7'6a ma ra7 3an bali! 7amad eli was my life for the past 6 years! 7amad eli a'3fa wana afaker feeh oo bas ag3ad ehwa awal shay yee bbali. 7amad eli 3a6aita kel shay.

7amad eli...

7amad eli...

7amad eli..................

My brain was being bombarded by all these thoughts...

All these feeling...

I couldn't contain all this in my mind...

I cried...

And cried...

And cried...

I was getting louder by the second...

Nothing could stop me now...

5alti 7awelat t-hadeeni bas mako fayda...

Tlemni...

Tmase7 dmoo3i...

She was shaking me tabeeni askit...

Mako fayda...

"Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeish? 5aaaaaaaaalti leeeeeeeeish? Ana sh-sawait?"

"7beebti 9ali 3al nebi. 7beebti 5ala9. 3awarti galbi 5ala9."

Nothing was working...

The tears were endless...

My voice was strong...

My cries were doing nothing...

Nar feeni naaaaaaaaaar...

Galbi shab naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar...

Meno y6afeeha???

Meno ya6eybni???

Bas 7amad ya6eybni...

Bas 7amad 6beebi ehwa eli shab elnar feeni...

7amad ehwa eli sawa kel hatha...

7amad elsebab...

"Abi 7amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad."

I was loud...

"Joor ehday 7beebti."

"Abi 7amaaaaaaaaaaaaad 5alti abeeeeeeeh. Bas ehwa ma ybeeni. 5ala9 ma ybeeni! Lega wa7da thanya y7ebha oo nesani. Nesaaaaaaaaaaaaani 5ala9. 7amadi ma yabeeni 5alti."

That was me for the next 2 hours...

5alti managed to slip me some water kan fee 7aba 3ashan ahda...

I cried and cried and cried until I feel asleep crying even more...

I had a horrible dream...

I was running towards him and calling him. Bas he wouldn't stop. He would walk with his head turned. Ma36eeni '6ahra wala ra'9i ylef. Anadeeh ma yred. A9ra5 esma ma yred 3alay. No matter how fast I was, I couldn't reach him.

I woke up in my aunties bed...

It was night outside...

It was quiet...

I remembered everything...

It wasn't a dream...

5alti kanat nayma yami oo qur2an yamha...

7beebti 5alti...

Ta3abt-ha wayed ma3ay...

I got up, I didn't want to disturb her...

I sat in total darkness on the sofa...

I looked down into the veranda...

This is where 5alti kanat teg3ad lama tshoofna ma netshei6an...

That's where we used to sit, on the swing...

Shlon nesa???

Shlon nesa lama kena neg3ad hnee???

Shlon nesa '9e7ekna???

Shlon nesa le3ebna???

Shlon nesaaaani???

Shlon nesa 7e'9ni???

How could he do this to me????????

How dare he???

Lazem akraha...

Ee 5ala9 lazem akraha oo ansaah...

Shlon bas???

3almooni shlon???

Abi 7amad...

Abeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh...

Abeeeeeeeeh el7een I need him...

A7eba ana shlon akraha???

Ma3arf akrahha ma3arf!!!

Abi 7amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!

Abi 7e'9na...

Abi 7oba...

Abi 7anana...

Abi 7amaaaaaadi...

Mali ehwa abeeeeeeeeh...

Bas ehwa ma yabeeni...

;',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',',','(((((((

All this was going through my head...

A battle...

All in my own head...

One second I need him oo abi a7acheeh now. The next second I want to hate him. It was crazy in my head. I would cry then be mad. Then sad. Then mad again. Then akser 5a6er nafsi oo abchi 3ala 7ali. Then I would hate my parents for what they did. It's their fault. Then I would love my parents, because without this ma kent ra7 a3arf eni 7amad y5oon, ena 7amad ma yawfi bwe3ooda, ena 7amad ma yabeeni kether ma ana abeeh. 7amad ma y7ebni kether ma ana a7eba. Embala y7ebni. 3ayal eli kan beinna 6ool halsneen chethb?

A5aaaaaaaaaaaaaaih 3alay...

It was a jungle in there...

All in my mind...

All my thoughts were tangled...

Nothing was organised...

Kelshay 5arbaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...

Ana 5arabta wela 7amad...

I was only 19...

I was still young...

Why did I have to go through this???

Leish ya rabi leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeish...

That was me for the next year of my life...

I was mess...

I was broken into so many pieces that it was impossible to put me back together...

I was broken...

7amad kesarni...

7amad broke me...

He broke our love...

He broke what we had together...

And for what???

Ya rait 3ashan wa7da testahal...

Wa7da la men ahalna wala mn mewa5eethna...

Wa7da allah yaster 3alaiha bas...

Wa7da mani gayla 7ata esemha...

Allah ysam7a 3ali sawaah feeni...

Allah ysam7a...

Allah ysame7 7amad...

Allah ysam7a...

I went home that night and slept in my bed. I was dead for the next month. I didn't leave the house. I didn't leave my bed. I barely spoke to anyone. I switched off my phones. I didn't check my e-mails. I just lay in bed. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't sleep. I did nothing. I was nothing. I neglected everything. 5alti oo mama kanaw bel3afya ywaklooni shwaya everyday.

I was a total mess...

People came and spoke to me bas nothing...

They tried to cheer me up bas nothing...

5alti ma galat 7ag omi eli 9ar...

7amad tried to contact me bas ma radait 3ala a7ad...

3alamteni weshlon a7eb 3allemni kaif ansa...

ya ba7r '9aye3 feek elsha6 welmarsa...

3alamteni weshlon a7en 3allemni kaif agsa...

sayer 3alaaaaaaaay...

bas emsa7 dmoo3i oo roo7...

sayer 3alay...

jeb li ma3ak galben oo roo7...

sayer 3alay...

etha tethakart eljeroo7...

ya 6aaaaaaaa'3i elna'6ra 5a6aa...

tajzi bhalbe5l el3a6a...

wana eli ahdaitik amn...

3ein oo jefen...

hatha frash oo tha '3a6a...

ya jar7 mn wein abtdi???

wenta ma3ni mn mawledi!!!

3ayat yedi...

3ala weda3ik tehtedi...

bas ent 3allemni eljefa...

daaami 3ejzat a3almik keif elwefa...

keeeeeeif elwefa...

(3alamteni ... rashid elmajed)

Kesart 5a6er omi oo obooy...

They wanted to do anything to cheer me up...

Baba kan yee dari oo y7awil y'9a7ekni...

I would stare into space...

5afaw 3alay yaboli shei5 yegra 3alay...

Nothing...

Wadoni psych...

Nothing...

I didn't even speak...

7amad heard about all this...

He came to my dad and asked for my hand...

This was the eighth time...

This was the last time...

Baba came up to speak to me...

"Baba 7amad ya y5a6bich. Ana ma kent ra'9 bas magdar ashoofich chethee ya baba. Ga6a3ti galbi. 7beebti etha hatha eli tabeena 5ala9. Ana ra'9i. Bas kalmeeni gooleeli shno tabeen. Eli tabeena y9eer. Bas kalmeeni. 7beebat obooch entay. Kalmeeni baba. Ana gesait 3alaich. Baba reday 3alay."

I looked up into my dad's face...

Guilt was eating him up...

He thought it was his fault...

His eyes were so sad...

He was losing his daughter he didn't know what to do...

"Mabeeh yuba. Mabi atzawaj. La 7amad wala '3eira."

ya 7elween ;***

7abaaaaaaaaaybi...

kelekom ya a7la readers...

i love u all...

elyom mako post cuz i'm still unwell...

flu + backache from gym + miserable!!!

also weather is freeeeeeeeezing...

and i'm always so coold!!!

sorry 7abaybi...

+ 3ndi assessment and 2 presentations tomorrow...

+ presentation on thursday...

+ 3 essays to hand in by friday...

and as u already know i am last minute girl...

i've left so many things to do...

+ have to go shopping for kuwaaaaaaait...

yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

i promise u a long, juicy, full of misery post tomorrow...

oo a7awil i finish the story before kuwait...

if not then i will write it in kuwait...

so don't worry...

u will be getting posts no matter where i am...

i love u all 7abaaaaaaaaaybi...

good night for now...

7awoory is sleeeeeeeepyyyyyy...

and has to wake up at 6 for a 7 am ward round...

love uuuuuuuuuuu...

nighty night!!!

mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

;***********

my first (52) ;***

afa ra7at leyaleena bhalsehoola...

5ent hagwati oo '6nooni oo rejay...

kent 7elm li 3ali oo mn y6oola???

a'97akt 3ethalan yarweehom '9emay...

le3abt fe galbi dor elbe6oola...

oo la kethar harj ana masma3 elray...

kesabt na'6rati 9arat 5ajoola...

magdar awajeh wenta adra bma3nay...

5esart oo feek elleyali mkafoola...

te3almik zodi 3an eli ra7 weljay...

wen kan 9ooratk b7ashay m7afoora...

'3a9ban 3alay ansa '9ena 3eini oo shegay...

ma 3ad li galben tzawed 7emoola...

kelaha hmoomen barmeeha waray...

faman ellah ee bhaslsehoola...

ana tara bar7al 3ala kaifi oo haway...

(leyaleena ... 3bdelmajeed 3bdallah)

"7beebi moo met3awda 3alaik chee."

I started to cry, my tears were uncontrollable...

"7beebti Joorti mako shay agdar asaweeh. Obooch karehni. Ya laitni ma tsara3t oo getlcih t9ar7eenhom. Kan ra'9i ohwa. Kan ra'9i bas lo moo mestar3een."

"7amadi la tgool chee. Don't blame yourself! I'm to blame."

"La2 7beebti. Ana."

I couldn't stop my tears...

They were flowing freely...

7beebi kan met'3ayer. This wasn't my 7amad. He didn't look my 7amad. He didn't sound like my 7amad. He was a stranger to me! His eyes were unfocused. Gabel lama nkoon weya ba3a'9 he would stare at me. He would literally stare into my face and eyes! His eyes wouldn't look at anything but me. Now it was different. They were focusing on anything but me. Those weren't his eyes! I looked at his lips. They were the same pink lips. The lips that kissed me. The lips that whispered love words int my ears. Those were 7amad's lips. That was his nose. Those were his ears. Hathi shamta. That's not his face. His face looked different. It was pale and his eyes were sunken. There were dark circles underneath his eyes. His hands were thinner. You could see the veins pronounced on his hands. He had lost muscle mass. His shirt wasn't fitted anymore and his jeans looked big on him.

I looked down at myself. I looked worse. My jeans were baggy. I had lost my curves. My hands were pale. I looked at my reflection in the mirror on the wall. Who was that person? We both looked like zombies. We were clinically alive. Our hearts were beating. Our lungs were working and we were breathing. Bas we weren't alive. We weren't!

His eyes still weren't focusing on me...

I started to get annoyed...

"7AMAD 6ALE3NI!"

"A6al3ich Joori."

He looked into my eyes...

A5aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaih!!!

I wish I didn't say that...

I wish I didn't ask him to look at me...

I wish I still had the memory of my 7amad happy and full of life...

But this is the memory I have now...

His lifeless eyes...

Full of pain...

Full of sorrow...

Full of guilt...

Full of regret...

I started to cry once more...

My shoulders were shaking...

I couldn't handle looking into his eyes anymore...

He was blurry from all my tears...

"Ma tabi ta7'9eni? Moo meshtagli? Abi 7e'9en 7amadi."

"Magdar 7beebi. Ma agdar."

"Leish 7amadi?"

"La2ana ra7 at3atahab lama t-hedeeni mara thanya. Oo tawni bedait at3awad 3ala b3adich."

"T3awadt 5ala9?"

"La2. Bas a7awil. Sa3deeni la t2atheeni 7aram 3alaich."

"Ana asif 7amadi."

"Ana eli asif. Ana ma astahalich."

He got up to leave...

"7amad la troo7. Tekfa. Allah y5aleek."

He walked towards the door...

"Lazem aroo7."

"7amad tekfaaaaaa. 3ashaaaaaaaani Allah y5aleek. Tekfaaaaaaa."

I got up and tugged at his arm...

"7amaaaaaaaad la troooooooo7. Abeeeeeeeeeeeek."

He stood...

Like a statue...

Frozen in place...

He didn't turn towards me...

"Joorti la t3athbeeni. Lazem aroo7."

"Abeeeeeeeeeek 7amad."

"Wana abeech bas ma astahalich."

I fell to the floor...

I encircled his legs with my arms...

I was hugging his feet...

Waaaaaaaaaaaaay 3alay...

A5aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaih 3ala 7ali...

"Ma7ad '3eirik yestahalni. 7amad la t5aleeni. Tekfaaaaaaaa."

"JOOR ANA MA ASTAHALICH!"

"Tekfaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 5aleeeeeeek ma3ay. A5af bdoonik 7amadi la troo7."

5alti 6el3at mn eldar oo kanat t6ale3na oo tabchi...

7amad kan wagef ma36eeni '6ahra...

Wana 3alar'9 lama reela...

Chni yahel met3alga bher parent...

Mabeeh yroo7...

"Joor ana ma astahalich. Ana 5ayen! 5entich be'3yabich. Oo ba3adni a5oonich! Ana ma astahalich!"

He freed himself from me and walked out the door...

He walked out of the door...

He walked out of my life...

I have never seen 7amad after that day...

12 July 2005...

That was the last day I saw 7amad...

The last time my eyes met his eyes...

The last time I touched him...

wallah ma kan elforag e5teyari...

oo la 3omri e5tart elwe9al oo legaita...

wana a3shagik 3eshg elmo6ar lel9a7ari...

mahma gesa wagtik 3alay ma jefaita...

ma kan b3odi 3ank belbal 6ari...

e5tart bo3di 3ank menik re'9aita...

lo knt dari bas lo knt dari...

ma a36ait lik galbi oo 7obik meshaita...

lo mal mn 9abri 7aneen ente'6ari...

ma gelt abeek wala rjoo3ik rejaita...

athbalt mn 6ab3ik werood ente'6ari...

3a6shan thog oo le6fkom martewaita...

leit elzeman yegdar yred e3tebari...

oo yabri lahayeb galbi eli kewaita...

rawe7 mara7 elleil welleil sari...

lo kan mahma kan 7obik nesaita...

(ma kan elforag ... 3bdelmajeed 3bdallah)

Forgive me I can't write anymore today...

I'll leave you with the following song...

a93ab ella7'6at, la7'6at ye5de3ek feeha 7beebik...

eli 3a6aitah 7ayatik, gasweta te9ba7 ne9eebik...

lama yet'3ayar oo yensa, lama yetkabar 3alaik...

oo ba3ad 3eshra 6eweela yes7ab eeda mn edaik...

te9'3ar eldenya fe 3einik welhana ye9ba7 alam...

weli 3ayashta b'3aramik 3ayashik akbar waham...

ba3d ma ta36eeh 3omrik, roo7ik, e7sasik oo 7obik...

tekteshif fe la7'6a ena kan yel3ab bas fe galbik...

(a93ab ella7'9at ... 3bdallah rwaished)

my first (51) ;***

Law Abiding citizen is amaaaaaaaaaaaazing!!!

You have to watch it...

I love u aaallllllllllllllllll...

It's snowing outside...

Everything is so pretty and white!!!

Mwaaaaaaaaaaah...

;***********

ahali 3ank eb3edoni...

fe 3athabi oo etrekoni...

yom shafoni a7ebik 3athebok oo 3atheboni...

elhawa welwed kan 9edfa 7ilwa lelzeman...

ha e7na welne9eeb 9erna 3edwan lel7anan...

elsneen eli jma3atna felma7aba fare7atna...

yama ebtehajna mn gabel ma mnk e7remoni...

mahma ya 5eli eb3edona oo 3an hawana faregona...

oo mahma ya 3omri e'6lemona ana afdeek b3eyooni...

en6efat theek elshemoo3 ma 9efat '3eir eldemoo3...

wel7anan a9ba7 3athab welhawa a9ba7 3etab...

la te'6en galbi nesak wela 7ata salak...

galbi ya '3ali ma3ak 7ata lo ohma e7remoni...

(ahali 3ank b3edoni ... 3bdallah rwaished)

Summer 2005

I was finally home...

After a year of not coming back...

I was hoooooooooooooooooooome!!!

Everyone was at the airport!!!

Everyone!!!

I missed everyone...

7amadi wasn't there of course...

I had no idea how I was going to see him or contact him...

Bas akeed we will figure a way...

I had gotten my phone back 2 months previously bas my parents kept a watchful eye on me. I was scared to even text. They would be harsh if they ever found out. And I didn't want to betray their trust ever again.

We all wenta to beit el7ajiya...

7amad wasn't there...

I spent time with my cousins and aunties...

Everyone was saying how pale I was. I had lost all my curves. I didn't feel beautiful anymore. I didn't even care. All I wanted was one thing. I wanted 7amad. I needed 7amad. I just wanted to see him.

I went home that night and hadn't even seen 7amad. I hadn't seen him for the past year. I needed to see him so badly.

The next day I went to beit el7ajiya with my mama. We stayed for lunch and then we were about to leave around ma'3reb time chee. 5alt 7anat 3ala omi oo galatlaha anam 3endaha. Ma re'9at awal shay. I just obeyed and got up. I didn't even put up a fight or ask to sleep over. Kesart 5a6er omi. I had been so quiet the previous year and I did everything that I was told. She kissed my forehead oo 5alatni anam.

I looked her in the eye. I hadn't looked my mama in the eye for a long time. I was too ashamed. I started to cry. She hugged me tightly oo galatli betyeebli clothes ma3a elsayeg later.

I went upstairs 3nd 5alti...

I cried in her arms for ages...

She played with my hair...

She consoled me...

"7beebti ne9eeb. Etha allah kateb ta5theena ra7 ta5theena."

She let me use her phone...

I was scared to call...

I stayed in bed that night wondering whether I should call or not...

Wondering what to say...

Wondering how he'll react...

At around 3 am, I finally got the courage to call...

5a6 thani...

I hung up and called after 10 minutes...

Still 5a6 thani and he didn't even call me back...

I realised it was from 5alti's phone...

Maybe he didn't want to speak to her? Hmmmmmm dunno. I'll text him and then he'll call me if he's free. I decided not to say it was me.

Call me when you're free.

I waited and waited...

He never called...

When 5alti woke up I told her what happened. She called him on the spot. He picked up but was sleeping. She asked how he was. 7a6eta speaker so that I could hear his voice. He was sleepy 7beebi. 9ota 3athaaaaaaaaab. I had missed that voice. I covered my mouth because I had started crying oo didn't want him to hear me. Kan ygoolaha 3an eldawam oo ena ta3ban oo chee. Galatla ymer tabi tkalma. Galaha sa3a oo yee. She didn't say anything about me. She wanted to surprise him.

A6wal sa3a beltareeeeeeee5...

I got dressed in jeans and a black top and was playing with my baby cousins downstairs 3nd mama 7ajiya...

He walked in...

A5aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaih...

We locked eyes...

It was as if the whole world had stopped...

Chee everything stopped and there was no one but us...

He had lost weight 7beebi as well...

He had lost muscle bulk...

He looked tired...

His eyes were sad...

This was not my 7amad...

This was a stranger...

I couldn't handle seeing him like this...

I ran upstairs quickly 3nd 5alti oo g3adt abchi...

He came up in a while...

He sat on the other sofa facing me...

"Shlonich?"

"3aysha. Wenta?"

"El7amdellah. El7amdellah 3ala salamtich."

"Allah ysalmik."

5alti gamat dashat darha...

I looked at him. I was trying to find my 7amad in his features. He looked the same yet so different. That year had been hard on both of us. We had changed. We weren't happy anymore. We lost our spark. We lost what made us happy. We lost one another.

We were lost without each other...

"Shaklik '3eir."

"Entay ba3ad."

"Fegadtik."

"Fegadtich Joorti."

He was sitting so stiffly, he didn't even come near me...

"Nesaitni?"

"La 7beebti."

I choked up lama gal 7beebti and started to cry again...

"7amadi '3neeli meshtaga 9otik."

"Ana agdar a'3aleb felbo3d jar7en wa5ali el3ein te'97ak lelmala welgalb ma yedma3, wagool lelnas mahma '3ab aw 6awal taraaah beyerja3, oo laken ma btlegani alamlem kel 3esheg elsneen oo atbara mn thyabi, wetha mal elzeman oo sha7at eldenya, aroo7 arhanlak sh'3abi, ashem ree7at hali, reeeeeeeee7at hali, wabga ana, abga 3ala etraaaaabi..."

(dam3at elmaqhoor ... 3bdallah rwaished)

"Ba3ad 7amadi."

"Aaaaaaaaaaah mn yakteb amaaaala 3ala elmay, ma nal ma6looba walaw fee sneeni..."

(Elmaw3ed ... 7sain eljasmi)

I started to cry again...

His voice was sad...

Kan 7azeen 7beebi...

Kanat 5angatni el3abra...

"Baby sheno ra7 nsawi?"

"Mako shay negdar nsaweeh Joor. Allah kareem. Allah yafrejha."